zombie barista

i'm just sayin.....

I had been away from work for a couple of weeks due to a tragic accident involving a lightbulb and a hampster wheel, but all is well now and I was able to resume my craft of creating beautiful foam perfectly blended beverages.

During my time off I realized something. I had missed Starbucks! I missed the people I worked with. I missed the fast-paced and yet comfortable environment. I missed seeing certian customers on their way to work. So, for my returning shift, I put on my smile and dress code appropriate clothing ready to get back in the game.

It took 5 minutes. Within five minutes of clocking in, I wanted to burn the bitch down and piss on the ashes. Do I hate my job? No. I really dont. I love working for Starbucks. My bestfriends are there. I get free coffee. But something happenes to me when I am there where I turn into a raging bitch. There are certain things that hit me in such a way that I picture wonderful scenes of knocking over every last Ethos water, opening every last cube of coffee grounds and spinning in circles letting the brown dust coat everylast inch of the store, opening the drive window and launching milk jugs into the parking lot just to watch the creamy bombs explode all over the cars in the parking lot in this unbarable summer heat. Who am I?

It seems no amount of vacation can calm the rage that lives inside me. I think I am going to take up yoga or read more books on the Tao.

why the drive-thru sucks: part II

been awhile since my last bitch-fest....

just wanted to throw some things out there to all you customers who think all of your cutsie questions about starbucks are "original" and "interesting to the baristas, because they work for the company and obviously care so much."

no, i don't feel that the 3 hour training session that all starbucks stores closed down for has done me a lot of good (i still get that one, believe it or not). you see, i actually did things right to begin with. am i glad some of the other brain dead excuses for baristas went through the training? yes. but i got paid minimum wage to listen to some block head shift supervisor who has worked for the company less than half as long as i have "teach" me how to steam milk. awesome.

and no. i am not worried about losing my job because they have announced they are shutting down 600 stores. have you seen the line for the drive thru at my store? cuz you just waited at least 15 minutes, behind about 9 other cars, in it. and in case you didn't notice, you're not bringing up the rear either. i work at one of the highest volume stores in the entire region. so if i lose my job, it's because i finally lost my cool and said what i was actually thinking to some unsuspecting blob of oblivion we like to refer to as the customer.

and yes. the coffee we have today is pike's place not "pike's peak". not that "new mountain drink" we have (and yes someone asked me for that last week. not kidding). and no, i do not like that we brew it every day, because i find it to be one of the more bland coffee's we've ever had. further proof that starbucks's efforts to try to appeal to everyone is overpowering it's ability to focus on the things that made us great in the first place. like a good cup of coffee, for example. and yes, i am being serious when i say we are out of the bold coffee. why? because someone decided it wasn't important enough to include in the order this week. that, along with vanilla syrup, soy milk, espresso beans, grande and venti hot cups and lids, and probably whatever pastry it is that you wanted (and actually, that is quite another story...).

but i digress. the point is: these questions suck. i don't like them. bottom line. now, imagine trying to chat about it out the window while you're also taking another order from the fatty at the speaker box, counting out someone's handful of nickles and dimes that they just cleaned out from underneath the couch and decided to splurge their treasure at starbucks, begging your dumb-ass manager (who is supposed to be "floating" but is actually trying to do everyone else's job for them, while "connecting with customers" and "creating the 3rd place") for the damn pumpkin loaf you needed 10 minutes ago, pouring a grande brewed coffee (that incidentally ran out 3/5 of the way from the top of the cup so now you're ALSO tracking down a new pot of coffee), and all the while, trying to figure out if that hot coffee you're pouring wasn't in fact supposed to be ICED (because for some reason, people neglect to think about the hot and cold factor ahead of time).

SO! unless you come through my drive-thru window every day, know my name and a little bit about me because you have actually taken the time to pay attention, AND unless you are the person that says please and thank you and actually mean it, AND unless you leave us a tip from time to time simply because you appreciate and recognize the fact that our job can be difficult and people are demanding, DON'T ASK THE FUCKING QUESTIONS BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE TO BEGIN WITH AND WE SURE AS HELL DON'T!!!! so lets all save ourselves some trouble and STOP PRETENDING!

the final countdown

with my days at the bux ending, i find it's time to finally post all those memories i have acquired over the 2 1/2 years i've been there. this may take a few blogs. but here goes the first.

i have never in all my life working behind a counter experienced customers quite like the ones that come into starbucks. there are days when i want to scream at people and ask if they are really that rude and stupid, and how did they achieve both at the same time. i love when i get a customer that thinks they know my job better than i do. i'd love to see them try to explain what a real cappuccino is.... and then try to make one. i've realized the majority of our customer base are people who are trying to obtain some sort of social status with their starbucks cup. you don't really like coffee. you really like how it looks like you like coffee, you just don't tell people you have 18 pumps of white mocha and 5 splenda mixed in with your 1 shot of espresso. you might as well go to the gas station and get your cappuccino from the machine, because in all honesty, that's what you really want. but it's not cool to carry around an exxon styrofoam cup.

next up on the list dude bros and sorostitutes. why do you even bother? dude bros come in with their sorostitute girlfriend and try to impress her by ordering her skinny vanilla latte and his frappuccino (because that's a manly drink) meanwhile too busy in converstation with said sorostitute to actually acknowledge the barista behind the counter. take your boat shoes to smoothie king.

business man joe. please do me a favor and hand me your credit card. that's why i hold out my hand to take it from you. it's not for a low five. it's so you can be a person who understands the ettiquette of an interaction and hand me your card, not throw it down on the counter at me like it's nothing to you. i'm not impressed that your using the company card to buy your cappuccino just to tell me i made it wrong. "yes sir that is a cappuccinno. no sir, it's actually half foam half milk. you probably wanted a latte" better yet, you and dude bro can go to smoothie king. or better yet....mcdonald's. they're making espresso drinks now.......

and we have starbucks to thank for that. we proved that you can get over 50 transactions in the drive thru in a half hour making an average of over one hundred espresso/coffee/frappuccino drinks. thus we have paved the way for mcdonald's to become our biggest competitor. how sad is that. they make burgers and fries. we specialize in coffee.... or do we?

there are the same old complaints about the drive thru. cell phones. another excuse for people to forget how to treat other people. but everyone has already said some really great things about that subject. i agree. get off your cell phone and treat me like i'm a real person and not a machine. i'm not a change/ coffee dispenser (although i feel like that after working the drive thru bar during the morning rush) i am a human being. i have flesh and blood and veins and feelings and thoughts just like you do, customer. i'm sure you hate it just as much when people come to your job yakking on their phones, why would you then come to mine and do the same thing. i feel like we need a reformation to go back to remembering and using the golden rule. treat others as you would like to be treated.

i wish my manager would do that. i have never met a more passive aggressive person in my life. and i'm having a hard time dealing with her hipocrasy. if you don't want us to talk about customers on the floor then don't do it your self. and if you're going to talk about customers then don't yell at us when we do. cover your own tattoos. don't tell me to personally connect with customers if you're not going to either. and then don't yell at me when i do, but we're having "too long" of a conversation. i'm getting my connection on....back off.

and the final one for now. crazy cappuccino guy, please never come back to my store. first off all your cologne reeks. second your name is NOT elvis orbison. third i don't give a rat's ass that you're not JUST a musician but that you're also a licensed paramedic. you need to get a life. the one you have is pretty sad. nobody cares who you're collaborating with. this is nashville. noone is impressed by name dropping. everybody knows somebody in this town. and you need a better hobby then pointing out spills on the floor and threatening to beat us down if we don't fix it. that's a little extreme. and [this] starbucks does not want your business.

this was long, but it felt good.....jealous?!?!

dear customer, you suck. the end.

i have been waiting to post for awhile now, but since non of my collegues have written, i have things to say and cannot wait any longer.

dear customer,

i wish i could find a polite way to say this, but why dance around the subject...?

plain and simple....you suck!

i am not your slave. i am not your machine. i am not you biiiiiiiitttttch.

what makes you think that i am? who taught you that? did your mom?

because, if she did....she sucks to.

-the end.

im pretty sure that last night, around 5:30 pm, i helped the most retarded customer ever. now, ive worked for starbucks for three years now, and have served my fair share of not so smart people. but this lady...she takes the cake..... DING...i answer...."hey, welcome to starbucks, this is tar ratte, how can i help you?" no response......five minutes goes by and i hear a "HELLO?!?! HELLLLLLLOOOOO?!" i respond "um...hi.....what can i get you....?" and then the ultimate "hang on a second." OH HELL NO SHE DIDNT!!!! YOU HAVE FREAKIN GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!

after a painful interaction, i decode that she wants a venti strawberries and cream frap. she pulls to the window. she was a quiet talker. [ hello starbucks customer...didnt you read my last blog???!?!? ] i give her the drink. she sits there. and sits there. then orders two cookies. i ring her up and give her the cookies. she sits there. then she orders a carmel frap. i make it. she sits there. she hands me the strawberries and cream and asks me to split it into two cups. at this point, the transaction had lasted ten minutes, there were at least 10 cars behind her and i was pissed. so i split it, and contemplate spitting in it and giving her my mono. i choose not to. i hand her the now, two drinks. she sits. and sits. and sits. i turn around and she has set the caramel frap on the ledge. in my head im thinking ["EXCUSE ME YA DUMB BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!] well, she doesnt like the caramel. so she wants strawberry. i make it and play out in my head throwing it in her face. but, i choose not too. and 15 minutes later, i dont even get a thank you.

lady, you suck.

death by drive thru.

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Go to Mapco or perhaps your nearest Shell station.

I know not everyone lives in Starbucks land like I do. Not everyone gets yelled at if they don't learn the proper way to say "Decaf Iced Grande three pump nonfat extra ice four splenda with whip extra caramel drizzle White Mocha" However for 8hrs a day this is my world.

The French Vanilla Cappuccino. See, to me that means 3 pumps vanilla and 3 pumps hazelnut in a cup 1/2 filled with beautiful foam. A drink that doesn't make sense really but I suppose if you really want it... fine

However, to the redneck fat bitch that comes through my drive thru... she is expecting something different. The person who orders this drink tends to have an accent that screams under-educated. This drink is never ordered by someone who comes in the lobby. My theory is that a person who so ill informed as too what they are ordering is either A. too overwhelmed to come in, so they hide in their rusted out pickup truck or B. lazy and would rather scream into a drive thru hole then walk into a Mapco and retrieve what is called to us in real latte land as a 'French Vanilla Latte'

I know what this person wants when they order this. They want what only a gas station 'cappuccino' machine can offer and frankly Ive got more credentials than that.... so to all the gas station lovin rednecks out there... I don't have time to be a mind reader... I'm not going to take a stab at your stupidity... so I am going to make you exactly what you order.

If you don't like it, go find an over sugared machine to take my place.